I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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