he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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