Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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