Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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