you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
