don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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