i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
