I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
