I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
