Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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