the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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