Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
