It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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