Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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