his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
