I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize