When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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