My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
