Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
