she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
