Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My penis needs a shock collar
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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