I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
