Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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