OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
