I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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