it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
