Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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