i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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