i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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