my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize