It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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