How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
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