true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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