I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
