If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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