Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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