I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
