My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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