My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
