My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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