dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
