apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
