the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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