The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
