Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
