If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
