I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
