Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
