he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize