My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
