I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
