sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you win again, gameday.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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