he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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