maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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