and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
50% drunk capacity currently
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
