When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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