Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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