his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I think i got beer on your cat.
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