I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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