saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
