My ATM looks so different sober.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
