Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
