After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
