My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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