Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize