Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
