i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
