I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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