all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
