my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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