We're facebook friends in real life
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
