she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
