Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
